Saturday, October 3, 2015

MTV'S Real World - SCOTUS (PARODY)

Spec draft for:
Real World – SCOTUS
By
Monkey Slough
October 5, 2015

FADE IN:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM AT THE SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES, OCTOBER TERM 2015

Three women and a single man sit at one side of a large conference table. Three men are on sit opposite of them. There is an empty chair near the head of the table. A single individual, another man, is seated at the head of the table.

The conference room is large and lined with bookshelves and orderly, similar appearing books line the shelves.

Cameras are set up behind each side of the table on tripods, each manned by a camera person with headphones on.

Younger men and women scurry about with books and paper in their arms attempting to work around the cameras.

An awkward silence fills the room.

One of the doors opens loudly and with a sudden burst.

GINSBURG
Nino! Can you be on time for once in your life!?

SCALIA
I'll quote Jackie Gleason to you Ruth, "To the moon, Alice, to the MOON!" Stop naggin' me about it.

GINSBURG
Nino. I knew Jackie Gleason. The only thing you have in common with Jackie Gleason is that body.

SCALIA
(Under breath)
You're the only one here old enough to have KNOWN Jackie Gleason.

ROBERTS 
Stop it. Discuss "The Honeymooners" when you all go hunting with Elena again. Can we get down to business? 
(gesturing at cameras and clearing throat before beginning) 
I 've reconsidered my total media ban, and to lift the veil, as it were, on the public business of the Court. I've been approached and agreed to allow MTV's Real World to film the beginning of each conference. They will not stay for specific case discussion, but will be allowed to video some of the preliminaries.

SOTOMAYOR 
John, shouldn't you have checked with the REAL leader of your wing before you made that decision?

ROBERTS
 Whaaat?

ALITO 
She's talking about me, John.

ROBERTS
Oh.
(uneasily)
Haha.

KAGAN
 Somebody check and see if Clarence is still with us. Clarence? 
(pause) 
CLARENCE!

THOMAS
 (Silence)

ROBERTS
 Quit picking on Clarence, Elena.

KAGAN 
(Smiles mischievously)

ROBERTS
 We need to discuss some of the things that happened while we were out of session.
(Turning to Justice Scalia)
Nino, you were in Memphis in September, according to news accounts.
(reaching for a piece of paper) 
“Scalia was asked whether he thought the Supreme Court would eventually overturn the death penalty. Scalia answered, "I wouldn't be surprised." Do you really think talking about that was a good idea?

SCALIA
Hell ya! Some damned lib law student asked - so I told her!! The damned lib wing of this Court -
(gestures across table) 
they ALREADY got four votes to end the death penalty. And with Kennedy here
(Points his thumb to the man next to him)
all I used to hear outta him was "Federalism! Federalism!" THEN he throws us under the bus last term.

KENNEDY
 Not fair. I still believe in federalism. But federalism shouldn't and can’t be used as a Trojan horse to deny human dignity. Or for that matter used to evade settled constitutional law that the mentally retarded are not eligible for the death penalty.

ALITO 
Anthony! I thought you were a good Catholic.

KAGAN 
He said Trojan horse. Sam. Turn up your hearing aid.

ALITO
Oh! Sorry..

SCALIA
There you go AGAIN with the EVOLVING standards!! What in the SAM HILL does THAT mean?! The Eighth Amendment hasn't changed!!! Evolving standards! Horseradish!! The death penalty was
 in use at the time the Bill of Rights was ratified,
FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!

KENNEDY
 So was slavery. Using that logic even minor crimes should still be eligible for the death penalty. Floggings too.

SCALIA
Apples and ORANGES! And flogging would STILL be a good idea!! Don't you agree, Clarence!!?

THOMAS
 (Silence)

ROBERTS
 Guys! Stop making fun of Clarence.
(Sighing)
Well, we need to discuss social media platforms as well. "The times they are a changin'"  as Bob Dylan sang...

SCALIA
 Another damned lib!!

BREYER
John, I have a twitter account.

ALITO
No one cares if you have a twitter account Stephen. They'd much rather know if
(disdainfully) 
"The Notorious RBG" is on twitter. Aye Gawd what has this Court come to? John, I don't care about social media. I don't DO twitterface or whatever it's called.

THOMAS 
Facebook or Twitter. Not both.

(The room becomes instantly silent as all eyes turn toward "The Sphinx.")

ROBERTS
Thank you Clarence. Next to discuss is Kim Davis, that clerk from Kentucky....

FADE TO BLACK.

ANNOUNCER 
Tune in next week and watch Justices Kagan, Scalia and Ginsberg go duck hunting on a new episode of The Real World - SCOTUS!




FADE TO BLACK. END.

No comments:

Post a Comment